Day 3 - venting, within knowing that I'm setting myself up for failure

So I'm going to practice and see where venting reactions come up within me in this post.

So I was in the sauna, and felt really good. I met a guy in there who was cool, and we small talked about how the sauna felt. When I got out, I immediately reacted in wanting to share my experience on Facebook.

So within this, a couple of reactions came up - the thought of destonians talking to me verifying that I made this post. The thought of destonians verifying that I just said this sentence. So within this I see that I have the expectation of venting through what I'm sharing. I have the expectation of a specific person or group of people reacting within what I'm saying/sharing.

So when I shared the post, a couple of reactions came up - "I hope people like my posts", "wait this wasn't the right thing to share, shit I'm exposed, people know that I am just sharing to portray an image of being someone apart of desteni, good looking, healthy, fun, friendly."

So, it seems that there's a little idea in my mind, that I have to share what I'm experiencing all the time. Why can't I just share what I'm LIVING.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only share what I'm experiencing on Facebook, in order to get verification of my experience, instead of sharing what I'm LIVING. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself within wanting others to verify my ideas of myself, and thus within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not live and take self responsibility for myself, within what I know I need and must do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to delude myself that im standing for a cause, when not seeing and realizing that I am not fully standing, until I prove to MYSELF that I'm standing, and thus within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to portray to other people that I'm living for a cause, because I am unwilling to be alone, I'm afraid of seeing what might happen if I just start focusing on the real issues in this world, and the real things that I could actually enjoy in this lifetime.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to thus think that people are going to judge me within me trying to portray a certain image of myself, because I know that within myself, I am just trying to portray a certain image. And it's funny, because I'll expect likes, and then I'm afraid I won't get them usually when I am becoming quickly aware that I'm sharing "bullshit events", because I understand that I have created a consequence within my existence within myself, which is the creation of wanting to hide from myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to thus hide from myself, because I see that there's real shit in front of me, and that every time I do take self responsibility, and then try to hide, I mind fuck myself into thinking that I am not takin self responsibility, because I am only verifying through sharing posts on Facebook that I am not taking self responsibility, through trying to portray a certain image.

Within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel exposed, and then create defiance within myself to not face myself for real. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to realize, HAHAHAHA, I can easily just stop participating in all of this bullshit, let go of the ego, and just start living and creating, I mean shouldn't it be something to appreciate within myself that I can just start taking self responsibility for my fears, my creation.

So within all of this, I commit myself to go back to the one post a day commitment, but within this, I commit myself to really focus on myself before posting something, like, maybe I can start posting pictures of flowers, or my dog, or my family. Within this, I see and realize that the point of sharing, is to allow others to see what is supportive, and to allow others to see what this world needs to be - what's best for all. So within this, I see and realize that writing self forgiveness, and self corrective statements, and sharing posts, is something to work up to as a commitment for what's best for all, for my 7 year journey to life process.